my blind dating (mis)adventures.

Posted by: bryjoe on: January 22, 2008

• In: dating | humor | Love | Me | stupid things i have done
• 24 Comments

They say being able to laugh at your self is a good thing recently. I have had a lot of free time and reflected on plenty of stupid things I have done in the past and believe me they are many but maybe going for six blind dates was prolly was the stupidest, and it wasn’t a blind date as in being hooked up by pals/relaz, we hooked up on the net yes baby, cyber loving.

If you are thinking of hooking with guys /chick from the net DON’T. You only meet whackos in there. These lying psychos make our politicians look like saints. Am not saying you cant find love on the net but c’mon let s face it if they are as perfect as they claim to be how come no one has grabbed them?

How did the madness begin?:
A friend forwarded one of those network-with-your-friends-all-over-the world-things and I filled my details of course using my real names, within an hour started getting invites who apparently were captivated by my name as it turns out very few Nai mamas use their African names they are into names like: Nicole, shawna, Latifah …that kind of thing. Very many guys tried to chat but I cut off some who listed some of their interests as Sex or ménage à trois or if they were shagzmodos…. you get my drift.

The very first date was with this guy Brian* we had been chatting and talking on the phone for 2 months plus ,he described himself as a TDH(tall dark and handsome)arent they all? He said,slim ,bout 6”3 and not so dark and I was beyond myself thinking how he was the greatest catch his side of the sahara.He asked for my description and I described me truthfully:short,plump(y),specs ,locks,really spaced teeth and light skinned ,loud laugh etc …
We agreed to meet on a weekday for coffee at pasaras at 6 pm…I went as I was, no madoidos on my part kawaida jeans,locks tied back….
I get to the said venue at around 6.02 (I always keep time)and seat down take my phone and go over the text he had described how he would look like “pink cuff-linked shirt,no tie and black pants” …a quick survey around the room shows that he aint no where in the room I breath a sigh of relief now I cwould be able see him and scatter if I didn’t like what a saw.
6.10…
no Brian,
6.20 :
Brian calls says he’s held up in a jam on Uhuru high way that I should please wait for him
6.40:
I have smoke fumes coming out of my ears and want to leave…in the meantime I have picked a corner seat and cross my fingers that those not-so-nice-looking-men headed my direction isn’t Brian
6.50 am :
I get a call and am busy talking when someone taps me on the shoulder and he is like “hi am Brian ,are you* insert two african names here*? I nod my head and hung up just in time to be get a very bad hug from Mr man…he tosses me to the left,then to right and then plants a very wet kiss on my cheek …the expression on my face is like asi! But I smile like that’s how am used to hugging,but all this time am thinking how to wipe the wetness off my cheek,but I bravely sit it and now take time to see my date.

Boy did this man lie!first he wasn’t in a pink shirt ,maybe it had been pink in another life time,second what does he mean coming for a date beltless? Third why is he spitting in my face as he talks,fourth that is not slim,the dude was thin like really thin,I prefer built men but I had made an exception on account that he was slim and not bony thin like he was plus he is about 5”8 or 5”9.he is just one big liar.

The date gets off on a bad note am dissapointed but I camouflage it really well.the dude goes on and on about the one topic he loved the most:HIM…I brave the conversation until he started making plans for valentines ..i didn’t say it but my expession musta have looked like”and what would I be high on?” coz he slowed down and started ordering coffee like my life depended on it.he didn’t bother ask what I’d drink…if he had bothered to check he’d have seen I was on my second cup of a choclate drink and secondly I feel nothing for coffee so the waiter brought a capuchino and I choose this time to state that I don’t drink coffee the idiot insist sthat I try it out…am sure my face was really red at this point coz I made up another appointment on the spot….he is sorry we can’t spend more time together and can we do this again?am rolloing my eyes on the inside as I say yes.he then makes a great speech about how am the woman of his dreams ,that I have the the all the qualities he has ever looked for in a woman.how he decided this is still a mystery since he didn’t ask any personal question.

Long story short I make an exit and decide to have nothing to do with Mr pyscho…after one month of texting ,calling and being ignored I think he finally got the message.if you think I had learnt lesson from the Brian incident you are wrong..i get another aspirant :Paul .strange man,this one.one the day we decide to meet he insist I pick him from a bus stop.am like “what is this now?”(say this kiswahili)but decide to do it anyway….i had not seen his pic so I didn’t know what to look for…then this good looking stranger says hi and am like phew! ..then he opens his mouth and I take it back.he says”you are way fatter than Imagined,I prefer my women smaller” my face falls but he doesn’t even notice, this dude has no tact at all.he insists I pick a resturant ,I mean if you were the one who asked me out the automatically it should be you to pick a restaurant and to pay for it but it didn’t work like this for paul…he had a converstion with himself and kept refering to women with deregatory remarks….while wolfing down the meal…I was having a soda and watching him like a movie.when the bill arrived he pretends not to notice it,then when I fish out my wallet he doesn’t even flinch and volunteer to cost share i pay for a meal which I didn’t even taste.If we were to cost share i’d have paid only a 70 bob for my soda…what breed is this ?
Then to make my evening ,Paul finally chomoas his wallet and what does he get? A pass port picture of himself,SMH and proudly hands it over..…some people have jokes…
His number was soon saved as Paul-idoit-do-not- pick.

The paul incident left me much wiser and now only talked with guys who didn’t want any romantic attachement and I met two really great guys who are my pals to date .when you chat as friends it leaves no room for lies and thats how me and this dudes got on so well.when you expect nothing from someone you are always surprised.one of this guys Idris is the only Banjuni I have ever met,infact I didn’t know they existed until I met him.when we first met it was like we were old friend as very soon we were slapping each others back and he became the official escort to go watch football with until he flew out the year before this.we still say in touch to date.The other guy is Kim. Now this guy was a pleasant surprise :he is very fly like a 9.5/10 he is into studs (which I really like) funny as hell,gentleman,attentive…If I was attracted to him I go out with him in a heart beat.we became instant friends and this was cemented when we later find out he is friend s with the lunatics (see my best friends)I hang out with.He is a regular at my place and recently moved to the neighbourhood.

Now to date no Five:This date I must say reallyleft me beliwered .we had been chatting with Alex on a strictly-friends-basis ..he was in costo and sounded really nice .one day he calls and says he is in Nairobi and if we could meet up.i say yes with no hesistation.i arrive on designated point of meet up and look for guy who fits his description and there is this one guy who matches just to be sure I call his cell and what does he do? He doesn’t pick up…am like aiiii! So I redial and he now hangs up..on the third call his phone is off.wtf? and I see him looking at me really nervous.am really pissed off that a grown man would behave like this.so i go home .on the drive him he is calling me.i don’t pick up.. 20 missed calls later he texts asking me to pick up so he could explain.I might be super ugly but the least someone could do is humour me even for 30 minutes.he still emails and asks to see me face to face for an explanation.he can sit on a brush for all I care.

Date # six.this guy is smooth like you can’t believe ,we became e-buddies while in kenya and even when he went to the US of A we often kept touch.he wrote really lovely lengthy letters(emails)that left you feeling very nice.
so he when he came back we organised for a rendezvous,he is on time.he is very sweaty,he has a hungry butt that has “swallowed “his pants..but  I look beyond the physical and talk to him .he is very intelligent,I get to know he has six published novels under his belt,and he want me to meet his parents ! this is the part I freak out and tell him I didn’t like him that way 😉 ….
oh did I mention he came with a cam corder to record me 🙂 ?
He flew back in a month and am guesing he has shifted his goal posts since I haven’t heard from him in two years.

That’s it folks!

Would I go for another blind date?hell no!
Why?way too many expectations and too many dissapointments
Did i have fun on the Blinddates? Yes and no