chiquitas spot

salamu tu

Posted on: July 12, 2013

It has been 4 years since I blogged,3 1/2 years since i became a wifey and 21/2 years after i became a mommy.i have completely forgotten how to do this.i cant say am back not that i don’t have anything to say,just i liked been anonymous and that stopped at some point and opening a new blog just seemed like a lot of  work(am rolling my eyes too) anywhoo  incase you stop by and wonder what happened to me : Am still me happier,more sure of myself,have lesser friends, still in love with an amazing guy.,there were a few rough times but i got through them scathed and grateful.

I sometimes read what wrote all those years ago and am amazed at how I  have grown,maybe I’ll pop in when I find time,I feel like this blog is an old friend I  lost touch with and that guilt will maybe bring me back.

so my old friends i hope life has treated you well and will continue to do so.see you maybe.

love ,

BRYJOE

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hey

Posted on: July 1, 2009

hey page! (am guessing by now no one comes here anymore)

so yeah ,i missed you and i hope this time tomorrow i have something(anything really) to write about.

later,

Bryjoe

st 18, 2008

“when life deals you lemons ,get a grip and make some lemonade!”someone famous-said that..i think.

so if you’ve been wondering what i have been doing ,i was trying to make lemonade but all i keep getting is some sour mixture that you’d have to be high on something before you drink it. the last six months have been the hardest, saddest times of my life.it’s hard watching you life fall apart knowing that nothing you’d do or say could  fix it.but am back up.well sort of but i feel and look better than i have in days so i guess big b is back !….everyone who been checking- in thank you for the concern.

while i was away people got busyt asking me things:

Iwont post the rules since we all know them by heart 🙂

here goes: 

1. Ihad penile envy for the longest time.
2. Ihave issues with my legs:am flat footed so everyone can tell when am going or coming    since i make a patter patter sound,my tumagoroes are way way lighter than my face so when am in something short i end up getting funny looks like no-you didnt-bleach-your-legs-and-forgot-to-do-the-face
3. I waited till i was 24 to have sex.
4  I get very anal when am javing and someone spills over to my seat.i mean why bother to  divide the seats if you are going to seat anywhere anyway?
5. my natural hair is curly and soft.and they made me cut it in high school(now you know why i dont miss that School)only for it to grow back curlier than ever…
6.when i first started reading novels i listed them until i got to # 1000 since then i think i have trippled the amount coz i read absolutely anything i come across plus I have my own library which was started by my dad when i was 11.

i wont tag anyone since tume jizinguka .

it my birthday in exactly 6 hrs y’all!

yeah its my birthday!

am so so excited!!!!!!

can you feel the enthusiam? before anyone starts spreading any rumours let me just state that am still in my mid twenties 🙂

am currently on vacation and am seeing people are tagging me.so i’ll get back to y’all in a week or two….

in other news am just from a wedding where this guy(kenyan and bride(rwandese)exchanged thier first kiss at the alter! so am thinking how do this people profess there love?if you dont belive i’ll post thier website soon you see for you self.

ps.i caught the boquet but a chic wrestled it from and i have this scar on my wrist to show for it .

so happy birthday me! hope you have many more and you make smart resolutions.have a good weekend all.

pps.happy birthday UNYC i think yours was today.no?

February(still cant pronounce right after all this years) is here, it my favorite month of the year that cos I make resolutions on by birthday, it’s the only month I eat chocolate like there is no tomorrow plus this is the only valentine my whole life that I have a date  🙂

Back to matters at hand :I was convinced that our politicians are the biggest loosers until I met this guy .he will be referred to as Kama from here on. I met Kama on Friday last week at around 2am in a hospital Emergency room.what was I doing there? Well my “loving sister” who works in a hosi asked me to deliver some food and I went so while am chilling for her to malizana with her “watejas” a frenzied crowd comes in carrying a unconscious man. There is no time to take him to private consultation so the consultation is heard by anyone who cared to listen:

DOC: whats his name?

Kamas friends: kama

DOC:what happened?

KF: amekunywa sumu

Doc: Kuna mtu anajua amekunya nini?

KF: POWERTAB…

DOC: kwa nini?

KF*with a very expression* dio asimwe na mosquioto(say this with an accent)

*giggles from eaves droppers including me *

From here on it look like a scene On ER .my sister also appears screaming some instructions.then the drama begins. All I can say is that there was a lot of retching and liquids everywhere. a very nauseating site but Kama lived to tell the story. Apparently his wife was “stressing him” because she had wanted out and he saw death the only alternative. I shouldn’t be making light of such a situation considering my best friend committed suicide by drinking poison too. but surely if someone doesn’t want to love you back si there is something called moving on?anywhoo…kama is alive n well oh and a massive hospital bill for his ass to pay .

If you need drama in Ur life id suggest you hang out in an emergency room and you wont be disappointed .

After Kama there was a guy who was brought in with his lower lip bitten off by the guy who brought him to hospital. when the patient was in consultation I was busy listening eaves dropping  to the guy and a hysterical(yeah bila aibu)girl tell thier plas what went down.

people have problems  but not for clothes( watu wana shida na siza nguo) I tell you. so this guy the biter going out with chick A lets call her sugar. let me begin from the top. sugar and bitee(guy who’s lip is gone)have been going out for a year and he recently even bought her a nokia N series phone but sugar decides to broaden horizons and has boyfi no2 who is the biter.

so on Friday Sugar is at the club with biter after calling earlier on to make sure bitee wasn’t around…lakini somewhere in the rave the water exceeded the floor(maji ikazidi unga)when Bitee shows up at the club with the boys and finds Sugar lip locked with biter in the club.an argument followed and sugar couldn’t stop it and  Biter and bitee ended up weighing each others strength(pimanaing nguvu) or if you like reducing each other madharau and somehow biter ended up biting bitees  lower lip .

 unluckily ,for  bitee ,they couldn’t stitch his bitten lip(which had been wrapped ).They could only stop the bleeding.poor guy  he has to live the rest of his life with saliva dribbling freely unless he can afford reconstruction surgery which costs and arm and a leg.Lil miss sugar cried what seemed like a river but no one consoled her…each guy (biter and bitee)had come with their pals but the poor thing didn’t have anyone to talk to considering they were calling her very deragory names like she wasn’t there.i wish I knew what happened to the couple(s) later 

My point exactly?love isnt love that tortures or tormments to that point .oh…. and yes my sis still ate the food like nothing she hadnt seen anything worth loosing her appetite for.

To other news am soliticing for girlfriends.Yeah like women …I was stock taking and  realised that I don’t have a chick I can really call “girlfriend “all i  have are chicks who are either neighbours or workmates no one I can call for ice cream or call just some gossip.so girlfriend outhere hala!…I seriously  need to stop hanging out with dudes or by my lonesome.

 ok well there is always that  sinister/selfish motive.i need someone to surpise me with a bridal shower…for real..i went for the one and only brial shower I have been to and I didn’t even know that chick I crushed (thru the ever with-it sister) and since the commitment ring has been donned am thinkin like way way ahead…well sure I have been to a stag night but its not as much fun as a bridal shower ..well for me anyway..all those activities get tired after sometime.but at the bridal shower you get to hear some truths about  marriage that freak the hell out of you,marrige I learnt here Is an oxymoron. And nothing I thought it would be  esp since am sort of opinionated selfish an and the advise this women gave translated to me sounded like “you have to be door mat -ish”:something i gave up a while.

lastly,my friend is taking trying to get me to break-up with this gal who he thought was a klande but she apparently  fell dangerously in love with him *smh* because she is clingier than  a wet T-shirt and he isnt feeling her.while he is foing that the klande is calling me trying to get me to get my pal to see she is the woman of his dream.how two adults can still play hide and seek like this is beyond me..my stand? am not being a Kofi Anan for anyone .

lastly kabisa:i have given up alchol.

have a good week all!

say your payers esp for kenya.

blind1.png

They say being able to laugh at your self is a good thing recently. I have had a lot of free time and reflected on plenty of stupid things I have done in the past and believe me they are many but maybe going for six blind dates was prolly was the stupidest, and it wasn’t a blind date as in being hooked up by pals/relaz, we hooked up on the net yes baby, cyber loving.

If you are thinking of hooking with guys /chick from the net DON’T. You only meet whackos in there. These lying psychos make our politicians look like saints. Am not saying you cant find love on the net but c’mon let s face it if they are as perfect as they claim to be how come no one has grabbed them?

How did the madness begin?:
A friend forwarded one of those network-with-your-friends-all-over-the world-things and I filled my details of course using my real names, within an hour started getting invites who apparently were captivated by my name as it turns out very few Nai mamas use their African names they are into names like: Nicole, shawna, Latifah …that kind of thing. Very many guys tried to chat but I cut off some who listed some of their interests as Sex or ménage à trois or if they were shagzmodos…. you get my drift.

The very first date was with this guy Brian* we had been chatting and talking on the phone for 2 months plus ,he described himself as a TDH(tall dark and handsome)arent they all? He said,slim ,bout 6”3 and not so dark and I was beyond myself thinking how he was the greatest catch his side of the sahara.He asked for my description and I described me truthfully:short,plump(y),specs ,locks,really spaced teeth and light skinned ,loud laugh etc …
We agreed to meet on a weekday for coffee at pasaras at 6 pm…I went as I was, no madoidos on my part kawaida jeans,locks tied back….
I get to the said venue at around 6.02 (I always keep time)and seat down take my phone and go over the text he had described how he would look like “pink cuff-linked shirt,no tie and black pants” …a quick survey around the room shows that he aint no where in the room I breath a sigh of relief now I cwould be able see him and scatter if I didn’t like what a saw.
6.10…
no Brian,
6.20 :
Brian calls says he’s held up in a jam on Uhuru high way that I should please wait for him
6.40:
I have smoke fumes coming out of my ears and want to leave…in the meantime I have picked a corner seat and cross my fingers that those not-so-nice-looking-men headed my direction isn’t Brian
6.50 am :
I get a call and am busy talking when someone taps me on the shoulder and he is like “hi am Brian ,are you* insert two african names here*? I nod my head and hung up just in time to be get a very bad hug from Mr man…he tosses me to the left,then to right and then plants a very wet kiss on my cheek …the expression on my face is like asi! But I smile like that’s how am used to hugging,but all this time am thinking how to wipe the wetness off my cheek,but I bravely sit it and now take time to see my date.

Boy did this man lie!first he wasn’t in a pink shirt ,maybe it had been pink in another life time,second what does he mean coming for a date beltless? Third why is he spitting in my face as he talks,fourth that is not slim,the dude was thin like really thin,I prefer built men but I had made an exception on account that he was slim and not bony thin like he was plus he is about 5”8 or 5”9.he is just one big liar.

The date gets off on a bad note am dissapointed but I camouflage it really well.the dude goes on and on about the one topic he loved the most:HIM…I brave the conversation until he started making plans for valentines ..i didn’t say it but my expession musta have looked like”and what would I be high on?” coz he slowed down and started ordering coffee like my life depended on it.he didn’t bother ask what I’d drink…if he had bothered to check he’d have seen I was on my second cup of a choclate drink and secondly I feel nothing for coffee so the waiter brought a capuchino and I choose this time to state that I don’t drink coffee the idiot insist sthat I try it out…am sure my face was really red at this point coz I made up another appointment on the spot….he is sorry we can’t spend more time together and can we do this again?am rolloing my eyes on the inside as I say yes.he then makes a great speech about how am the woman of his dreams ,that I have the the all the qualities he has ever looked for in a woman.how he decided this is still a mystery since he didn’t ask any personal question.

Long story short I make an exit and decide to have nothing to do with Mr pyscho…after one month of texting ,calling and being ignored I think he finally got the message.if you think I had learnt lesson from the Brian incident you are wrong..i get another aspirant :Paul .strange man,this one.one the day we decide to meet he insist I pick him from a bus stop.am like “what is this now?”(say this kiswahili)but decide to do it anyway….i had not seen his pic so I didn’t know what to look for…then this good looking stranger says hi and am like phew! ..then he opens his mouth and I take it back.he says”you are way fatter than Imagined,I prefer my women smaller” my face falls but he doesn’t even notice, this dude has no tact at all.he insists I pick a resturant ,I mean if you were the one who asked me out the automatically it should be you to pick a restaurant and to pay for it but it didn’t work like this for paul…he had a converstion with himself and kept refering to women with deregatory remarks….while wolfing down the meal…I was having a soda and watching him like a movie.when the bill arrived he pretends not to notice it,then when I fish out my wallet he doesn’t even flinch and volunteer to cost share i pay for a meal which I didn’t even taste.If we were to cost share i’d have paid only a 70 bob for my soda…what breed is this ?
Then to make my evening ,Paul finally chomoas his wallet and what does he get? A pass port picture of himself,SMH and proudly hands it over..…some people have jokes…
His number was soon saved as Paul-idoit-do-not- pick.

The paul incident left me much wiser and now only talked with guys who didn’t want any romantic attachement and I met two really great guys who are my pals to date .when you chat as friends it leaves no room for lies and thats how me and this dudes got on so well.when you expect nothing from someone you are always surprised.one of this guys Idris is the only Banjuni I have ever met,infact I didn’t know they existed until I met him.when we first met it was like we were old friend as very soon we were slapping each others back and he became the official escort to go watch football with until he flew out the year before this.we still say in touch to date.The other guy is Kim. Now this guy was a pleasant surprise :he is very fly like a 9.5/10 he is into studs (which I really like) funny as hell,gentleman,attentive…If I was attracted to him I go out with him in a heart beat.we became instant friends and this was cemented when we later find out he is friend s with the lunatics (see my best friends)I hang out with.He is a regular at my place and recently moved to the neighbourhood.

Now to date no Five:This date I must say reallyleft me beliwered .we had been chatting with Alex on a strictly-friends-basis ..he was in costo and sounded really nice .one day he calls and says he is in Nairobi and if we could meet up.i say yes with no hesistation.i arrive on designated point of meet up and look for guy who fits his description and there is this one guy who matches just to be sure I call his cell and what does he do? He doesn’t pick up…am like aiiii! So I redial and he now hangs up..on the third call his phone is off.wtf? and I see him looking at me really nervous.am really pissed off that a grown man would behave like this.so i go home .on the drive him he is calling me.i don’t pick up.. 20 missed calls later he texts asking me to pick up so he could explain.I might be super ugly but the least someone could do is humour me even for 30 minutes.he still emails and asks to see me face to face for an explanation.he can sit on a brush for all I care.

Date # six.this guy is smooth like you can’t believe ,we became e-buddies while in kenya and even when he went to the US of A we often kept touch.he wrote really lovely lengthy letters(emails)that left you feeling very nice.
so he when he came back we organised for a rendezvous,he is on time.he is very sweaty,he has a hungry butt that has “swallowed “his pants..but  I look beyond the physical and talk to him .he is very intelligent,I get to know he has six published novels under his belt,and he want me to meet his parents ! this is the part I freak out and tell him I didn’t like him that way 😉 ….
oh did I mention he came with a cam corder to record me 🙂 ?
He flew back in a month and am guesing he has shifted his goal posts since I haven’t heard from him in two years.

That’s it folks!

Would I go for another blind date?hell no!
Why?way too many expectations and too many dissapointments
Did i have fun on the Blinddates? Yes and no

so sick

Posted on: January 7, 2008

I’d wish y’all a happy new year except it isn’t, its really f*** new year thanks to our very selfish politicians aka leaders .all politicians are egotistical, self-centered, self-seeking, self-interested, self-absorbed, selfish, narcissistic, conceited individuals including Hon Kibaki and Hon Raila.are we important only when we are voting for you? How come you are taking your time when we the mwananchi are suffering in our own country? I have vowed never to make friends with politicians ever, they are just not worth it.

I didn’t get to vote because of unavoidable reasons but am angered that our politicians are doing nothing about the displaced folks or about the killings happening shame on all of you!
I got to see first hand what kind of shit went down. When the presidential results were announced I was busy looking for some meds to avert a ka-accident in a nondescript town in kajiado-north constituency, suddenly everyone started running, unfortunately for me I couldn’t run because am back to using a crutch so I cried my way thru the tear gas with Mr. B tearing up beside me only to get some idiots trying to trash the ride, cops came to our aid we managed to get away minus a few windows but at least we were safe .I also couldn’t go home for a few days because the roads were impassable and because I was freaked out. I have heard so many horror (true) stories and insomnia has checked in .I just hope our politicians come to their senses soon and that we’ll forgive each other go back to what we were, are and will remain united peace loving folks….

this is incase i forget to wish happy birthday on time and not getting you presents on time too. 🙂

1st Jan: Muoki -belated happy birthday .ur line is dead give me a call n let me know if you are ok.
2 nd Jan: Mr B: for someone who had a sucky birthday you sure are a good spot. Here is to many more birthdays.
9th Jan; Tawney congratulations becoming on a daddy…happy birthday dear! (Can I hope that you’ll stop using/smoking whatever shit you are on ;)?)

12th Jan: baby Trev: happy 7th birthday hope you’ll remain as sweet as you are.

13th Jan: happy birthday Jinx! I can’t believe my baby siz is 19! (I checked Ur birthday isn’t on Friday so I’ll definitely show up…) Maybe we should stop calling you jinx huh?

13th Jacqui: happy 19th birthday to you too! (How is it I know to jinxes born on the same Friday, same year)?

24th Jan: chaina: happy birthday you always have my back.thanx…and yes I love you. Come home soon.

31st Jan Twiri: am still amazed that you had kid. I didn’t see that coming…happy birthday to wonderful mummy!
Now how will I manage eight presents? Si a card is still considered a present?

there is nothing good about the year so far but am hopefull for tommorow.happy new year y’all .for those of you who make resolutions good luck for those of us who don’t life is short ,break the rules,forgive quickly,love truly and laugh hard.

I have been working on my nevers and finally decided to go to a strip joint last Friday, the volunteers to guide me to this virgin territory were more than eager and kept calling all afternoon to remind me about the rendezvous .I didn’t know what to wear because how could one compete with near naked women, with perfect bodies?. So I decided on my everyday way black shirt, even darker pants and boots at least this way I wouldn’t  stick out like a sore thumb…since my boys are “veterans” they decided on one club where they say the mamas are hotter .so at 9 pm we check in the joint apparently only men get to pay Chiquitas’ walk in free. The club is darkly lit and it’s very hard to recognize anyone. As we look for some place to seat I ask the boys to take me furthest from where the action will be (just incase) so we seat in a corner where you can see everything happening around you. To the casual observer the clientele is normal 23-45 year old men some still in their day suits ,nothing perverted in their look.and of course thier was the married man(i ‘ll serve my comments for this one)  so anywhoo ,at around  10 theDj/ Mcee introduces the beauties with thier so-not-original-names(how can someone imagine a name like caro having stage presence?) then i look up hoping to see someone like her:

candy_stipper_thumb.jpgpic courtesy of www.thecostumer.com/…/

you know a nurse maids uniform or a police womans uniform or maybe a long coat but this wasn’t to be ! instead of the chicks came in already undressed….completely killing the moment-atleast for me.(I thought stripping meant taking off clothes one by one?)what happened to heightening the senses first?and that not the only beef i had…they were dancing on poles that were in the middle of a table(as in the table is a round table with a pole in the middle)and the tables had been previously occupied by peeps eeeeewww!
then later i look at the mamas properly what do they mean by wearing cheap underwear like that..those street lacy boxers that cost 50 bob ,how now?.. after about an hour the strippers kept changing tables doing the same moves until it was hard to tell the difference between caro,martha and the rest… After 1 hour of watching this i decided i’d been hoaxed enough and wanted out,my boys suggested another joint but i decided sighting the same difference line .
if this clubs are going to have strippers they had better make it that, not parading polite hos as strippers…

end of rant now to the question:
can all the sexperts(or in this case men) please rise up? yes you Xs,Archer,Bomseh,pilato,bella,3N,Kip,modo,Agiasi,boyfulani,kirima and company … could you please explain what qualities a chick would have to have to be certified as good in bed? recently Archer stated that guys rate a mama like so:

1.The strokes were on point kabisa, the chic has some mad skills. Definitely worth hitting again, several times over.

2.Ish ish. Nothing spectacular. Super average.

 3.Totally wack. She’s a hopeless lay. It was like throwing a sausage down a corridor (Aco 2006)

I guess my questions here is what mad skills would this be? being able to kegel a dude?

So, Christmas is here …yay! Personally I don’t get all Christmassy and stuff all I enjoy is the many holidays I’ll have this means I’ll finally be able to finish the 4 novels am reading at a go and maybe watch a few more old movies.
After my run-in with the ex-that-wouldn’t-let-go I needed to unwind and the Jobbo Christmas was just the place to cheer me up.
Since I was one of the organizers I was supposed to collect everyone’s choice of drink so the catering company would have an idea of the quanties/type of drinks to serve. The miros here had a field day. They ordered stuff I’d never even heard of..Sijui hennesy, cognac, spanish brandy ,calvados, grappa…etc..Some people you give them an inch and they take a kilometer…. anywho at first I was bit skeptical because seating arrangement for the diner was preplanned and the diner tables had already been labeled and you were stuck with the peeps at your table for the first 5 hours until dinner was over.

I scanned the list I saw I’d been stuck with a guy who we rarely talk because I though he has the whole angry thing going on, am not sure if its in the bad boy way or assholewholly way, then the rest were jungus..(They are cool except my conversations with them always have a lot of “sorry I didn’t hear that” or “pardon me”….. because they have freaking strong accents…. the only accents I understand are kenyan, kikuyu,luhya,kao,kyuk,kaleo,…a lil bit of British and American but I have a problem with French, Irish, Russian,ukranian,German..And the occupants of the table had these accents.)I braved the accents barely hearing anything (am sure this people thought am slow :)…and patient tried to listen to the speeches. clapped at people who were being awarded….

Finally the moment everyone was looking forward to came at about 11 o’clock: the food was served and it was great. Then the alcohol was unleashed …the first two hours were ok but after two hours the effect of the never-consumed-before-drinks started showing a few unnecessary hugs here and there, a few suggestive words uttered here and there, a few ‘weird-in-a-nice-way-look exchanged. I really had a ball seeing the awkwardness being replaced by friendly smiles and lively conversation courtesy of very expensive liquor…alcohol is not my thing in this kind of function so just sipped on “barbed wire “the whole night until the dance floor was officially opened if thought the night was funny the funniest would be trying to watch guys attempt dancing….the MD(jungu) was the one to open the floor and he had the whole jungu-guy-overbite-dance-complete-with-shoulder-slides…I had a really hard time trying to put on a straight face when he picked me to dance with him but I went along and even copied some of his moves :)….I spent the rest of the night dancing to whatever jam was on …made a few friends on the dance floor, got hit on a few times.

by the time i was leaving …i saw a few guys who would later wish they hadnt touched the booze..like the angry guy on my table….he hooked up with a random chiquita and made out in the parking lot where everyone who wanted to see saw them…then there were the ones who threw up all over the place,the the ones who had an urge to fungua their rohos and accousted the MD…..